Insulted not to have her phone hacked? What Dame Helen Mirren’s calls might have sounded like

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The things one reportedly says during interviews. Dame Helen Mirren, who gave up Russian citizenship to work briefly in soft porn (AGE OF CONSENT, CALIGULA, HUSSY) and then appear in some of the best British films of all time (THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY, EXCALIBUR, CALENDAR GIRLS, THE QUEEN), occasionally without clothes (not as Her Majesty of course), has purportedly remarked that she was insulted not to have her phone hacked. I don’t know of anyone who would think of that as an insult, but then I have never met Dame Helen. It did make me wonder who the Oscar winning actress, currently on the publicity trail for her latest film, THE HUNDRED FOOT JOURNEY, might have called and what she might have said.


RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Eon Productions.

DAME HELEN: Yes, I wonder if you could put me through to Barbara Broccoli.

RECEPTIONIST: Who’s calling?

DAME HELEN: Don’t you recognise my voice?


DAME HELEN: Of course, you’re very young. Haven’t you seen RED?

RECEPTIONIST: Not since my nude selfies were stolen from the iCloud.

DAME HELEN: OK, I’m Russell Brand’s butler.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, I don’t think Ms Broccoli has need of your services.

DAME HELEN: I’m [says name].

RECEPTIONIST: Putting you through.

BARBARA B: Hello. A pleasure to speak with you!

DAME HELEN: All mine. We women should stick together. What was it that Madeleine Albright said?

BARBARA B: ‘Bill, I’m not sitting there?’

DAME HELEN: No. We women should help each other.


DAME HELEN: OK. Dame Judi. She’s left the Bond franchise. Ralph Fiennes. Very competent but much in demand. That leaves me.


DAME HELEN: I want to play M.

BARBARA B: Let’s do lunch.

DAME HELEN: I’m not cooking you lunch. I might appear as the mistress of the kitchen in THE HUNDRED FOOT JOURNEY but I have never so much as fried an omelette to get a job.

BARBARA B: We can talk about a possible part for you.

DAME HELEN: Yes. While you’re about it, you’ve seen your father’s files.


DAME HELEN: Why was I never a Bond girl?

BARBARA B: You’re a good actress.

DAME HELEN: Of course.

BARBARA B: You see my point. Bond girls are pop stars, champion ice skaters, models, Olympic divers.

DAME HELEN: I didn’t know you’d cast Jason Statham.

BARBARA B: I think you misheard. You Oscar winning actress, big star, I see you as a scheming manipulator.

DAME HELEN: Thank you.

BARBARA B: So we talk, later, yes.

DAME HELEN: It’s got to be me and the Daniel pouch, yes. Bond emerging from the water! We trade innuendos.

BARBARA B: I must take this call. A real pleasure. Ciao, ciao!


DAME HELEN: Peter, it’s me.

PETER M: Helen, it’s 2am.

DAME HELEN: You have to write me another Queen movie.

PETER M: Can’t this wait?

DAME HELEN: I was having my kitchen re-modelled and I felt inspired.

PETER M: What’s your pitch?

DAME HELEN: We’ve had White House Down, why not Buck House Breached?

PETER M: What?

DAME HELEN: Terrorists break into Buckingham Palace intent on decapitating Her Majesty live on the internet. Only Channing Tatum, who is taking his daughter to see the paintings, comes to save her.

PETER M: That’s enormously bad taste.

DAME HELEN: Money shot. I see Her Majesty, fully robed, running down a corridor with an AK47 shooting up terrorists and the Government Art Collection.

PETER M: That doesn’t sound like me.

DAME HELEN: You want me to call John Logan?

PETER M: I think it’s during his office hours.

DAME HELEN: Fine, but you’re losing serious percentage points.



TAYLOR H: Why are you calling me? I’m in bed next to you

DAME HELEN: I’m addicted to this game called Candy Crush.

TAYLOR H: Put your i-Phone down and go to sleep.

DAME HELEN: I’m serious. I’m stuck.

TAYLOR H: You know I don’t do video games.

DAME HELEN: Technically it’s a mobile app.

TAYLOR H: Whatever, I still use a pager. You knew that when you married me.

DAME HELEN: Taylor, I want to do a Wes Anderson film. They seem like fun.

TAYLOR H: I don’t know how to react to that.

DAME HELEN: I could play a very old woman who leaves Ralph Fiennes the Grand Budapest Hotel.

TAYLOR H: Yes, honey.

DAME HELEN: Instead it’s Tilda. Tilda and her god-awful false teeth and regional accent!

TAYLOR H: She is a very talented actress.

DAME HELEN: She doesn’t need the attention. I do.

TAYLOR H: We can have this conversation in the morning.



DAME HELEN: I’m in the mood.


DAME HELEN: Do you want Jane Tennison or Morgana?

TAYLOR H: I’m kind of not into it just now.

DAME HELEN: In that case, it’ll have to be phone tease with Clive Owen.


And that is why having your phone hacked is nothing to wish for, even though George Clooney is reportedly making a film about the subject.


About the author


Independent film critic who just wants to witter on about movies every so often. Very old (by Hollywood standards).

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