My spiritual journey began seven years ago. It is not a pleasant story. It is full of ups and downs, mostly downs. Although there was a three year period that was fantastic, most of it has been hard on my soul.
It began in 2010 when I was 37 years old. I was beginning to develop cataracts, and was quickly going blind. I didn't have insurance, so I was in a state of distress. While I looked for ways to pay for my eye surgery, I also began to look for natural ways to heal my cataracts.
I thought I would try some self-healing techniques. I began meditation and visualization. I would spend hours on both.
I soon became obsessed with meditation. I had found a way to pay for my surgery, but I kept up with the meditation. I started seeing numbers everywhere. The same numbers. 108, 216, 432. The universe was trying to tell me something.
These numbers started taking on meaning. Especially the number 108. I found out these numbers were important canonical numbers, found in religions, mythology, sacred geometry, the measurements of the sun Earth and moon.
I was "manic", the term used by my doctor later.
But was I? I felt like I was getting downloaded information from the universe. How was I getting this information? I still don't know. I was having many synchronicities, on a daily basis.
Then I had what I can only think of as a "kundalini" experience. I was meditating, when I started feeling like I was going through a tunnel of light. Then energy rushed upwards, the most intense experience of my life. It felt like electricity coursing through my being.
After this, my family took me to the hospital to be admitted. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder for my manic episode and put on medication. The medication was horrible. I stopped taking it after a few months. I was still having synchronicities and seeing numbers. My psychiatrist called this "delusions of reference".
Was I psychotic, or having a spiritual crisis?
Nothing much happened for the next couple of years. I spent much time meditating and doing yoga. It came naturally to me. The next episode happened on night while I was researching bee mythology. A bee stung my leg, and this synchronicity made me feel that something important would happen that night.
When I went for my meditation, immediately I felt something different. I felt God's presence all around me. I went into a deep meditation, and felt all of my chakras opening. I could even see the colors of the energy. But it was a very powerful experience that distressed me. I was an atheist, and now I was very confused.
My boyfriend brought me once again to the hospital, where I was rediagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder.
The new antipsychotics were much better this time, and I've been on meds ever since. They make it so I am able to function in daily life.
I have since given up on meditation, and remain confused to this day on whether or not I've had a spiritual experience, or psychosis. My heart tells me this was spiritual.