Stress is one of the silent killers, we all must look for. It often comes along with the feeling of incompleteness, competitiveness and a couple of things more. You might not differentiate between these and stress as stress can be considered incipient. It starts with being anxious and it knows no bounds. Crescendo of stress might trigger and exacerbate already acclaimed diseases residing in your body. I had been the victim of stress for too long, for so long I can’t even remember now. It all started when I passed college with expected high scores and as decided by my parents (Asian!) even before I got into school that I will be going to the most profound university in our city. I was made mentally and psychologically trained for it. My education plan along with the daily routine was made as soon as I started going to school and so I got through according to the plan, ticking everything as it comes along. Up till university, it was all planned and so I made it too the prestigious and most accredited university. I got there but I wasn’t ready for the challenges it had with it, I took a technology for graduation, of which I know nothing about and chances of changing my major in the same university was not at all possible. I can try to leave but it’s not that easy when you are an Asian with a set of Asian parents. How could I leave such a university in which I planned to come my whole life? I took the burden as I was never going to ask my parents to look for anything else as they become anxious, angry and sad as soon as I start speaking about university. Every single day passing by adds more stress and started losing confidence. The things that I once considered all in control gradually got out of control. My inner strength, stability and consciousness lost. As for my diet and physical health, it got worst. The changes began hitting my mind hard. To top it all, everything the peace loving nature of mines took a 180 degree turn and I became short tempered and mercurial. I usually masturbated, after this, I became addicted to it. Masturbation was the gateway for me to get out of anything stressful, I had in my hands that instant. I invested more of my time on porn and mastering different masturbation techniques totally disregarding my inner spirituality. To make it worse, I discovered during that very time that masturbation is considered a sin and prohibited in my religion. What now? More stress, anxiety, anger, frustration and need of returning to the same path, the right path (as said!) again made me more destructive and lost. The stress of passing everyday doing absolutely nothing just the usual. My daily routine became a tape for me, once started, it played over and over again. My trips to university became the only time I get out of my home and meet people. Other than this, I stayed at my house and binge on porn, masturbate and sleep. My praying time reduced and so was my interest in being spiritual and all. I lagged at my university, I lost my focus on life and spiritually I became a sinner. I was lost in the darkness and I had no help to get out of it.
For two years, I shut myself. No one knew what I had covered in myself, the only thing they noticed was a harsh, unpredictable and a frustrated tone and a bitter nature (quite opposite of what I actually was). I usually had mood tantrums and people never really tried to understand what I was going through. I always thought that my parents would eventually know something’s wrong and that they would do something but they didn’t. The un acknowledgement added more stress and the feeling of loneliness made it unbearable. I can never explain, in words, what actually was my state then as it was the worst period of life till now and I wish no one go through what I had gone through not even the worst. How I dealt with it? wait for the next blog!