The Triple Eight Happy Lucky Golden Dragon All-Nite Market: A Cat in a Hot Tin Box

Uploaded on Tuesday 25 January 2011


Barry and Roland are discussing XXXXXXX when several boxes of cat food arrive. Barry starts to fret—he doesn’t have anywhere to put it. What about the back room? No, cat food isn’t allowed in the back room because it’s classified as a lifestyle accessory. Stashing it behind the counter, he starts making “CAT FOOD SALE” signs with a jiffy marker. Enter Candace: “Has NORAD called?” – “Um, no…” – “Good, because I need to get it if they call.” – “But how will I know…” – The phone rings; Candace gets it and pretends to be a research laboratory confirming a shipment. No sooner does he get off the phone then two delivery guys in radiation suits walk in, ask if he’s Doctor Zabuski, get him to sign for a crate, and leave. What’s in the crate? “Something that’s going to make me rich: Schroedinger’s cat!”

Candace explains the cat to Roland: by using weapons-grade plutonium to trigger a geiger counter and break a vial of poison gas, a cat inside the box will die… or not. According to the equations that Candace helpfully jiffy-markers on the back of one of Barry’s SALE signs, the cat is both dead AND alive until they open the box. A lively debate ensues. Roland refuses to accept the whole idea and gets more and more irate: every time he seemingly proves that the cat has to be one way or the other, Candace just holds up the equations. Barry is slowly clueing in that there’s an animal in his store that’s not a seeing eye dog and he’s starting to pitch a fit. Roland wants to open the box, but Candace wants his dead and alive cat: it’s the pet for the new millenium and he’s going to make a fortune. Half the food and half the mess of a regular cat, cause it’s only half alive. And it never pees on the rug cause it’s in a box. Finally Roland opens the box.

FLASH! Split-screen! There are two Rolands now, one with a dead cat and one with a live one, sometimes split-screen, sometimes one at a time. In two different universes, things go very differently… in one, the cat gets loose, scratches the hell out of Roland, eats all the cat food and generally makes itself a pain in the ass; in the other, the three of them stand around like constipated oxen wondering how to dispose of the kitty corpse. “I don’t understand it! This cat is supposed to be dead and alive!” mutters Candace. The microwave starts passing burritos between the universes, so they stuff the microwave full of empty cat food cans, cause the store is filling up with them and they think they can just dispose of them into the other universe: who’s gonna know? But in the other universe, they’re trying to microwave a burrito… the tin cans spark, the microwave explodes, and the (live) cat jumps back in the box. They slam the lid back on it, and Candace calls NORAD to come and take it away.
Some other possible notes, to jazz it up…


Language: English

Length: 22:00

Country: Canada